Conversations from an A&E Department Waiting Room

Last night I had the pleasure of spending 6 hours in the Accident and Emergency department waiting room of Aberdeen Royal Infirmary after my mum took ill.  While she was busy been processed through triage for nearly 5 hours, I was busy sitting the waiting room with nothing more than a notepad and pen to amuse myself.  The following is a transcript of some of the more amusing conversations I overhead with some interesting characters.

Whilst having a cigarette outside.
Nae-Teeth Junkie:  You got a light miss?
Me:  Yeah, there you go.  hands over lighter
Nae-Teeth Junkie:  It's nae illegal.  I ken it smells funny but it's just frankincense.  They canna ban frankincense in a Christian country, ken, 'cause it was baby Jesus' birthday present.

After about an hour, a rather intoxicated man was dropped off by two rather tired looking police officers.  They left, and he sat down next to a couple in their mid-thirties, the lady was in for back pain.  Later, his long suffering gran turned up to keep him in check.
Drunk Who Loves His Gran to Lady:  You got a sare back?
Lady With Sore Back:  Yes.
Drunk Who Loves His Gran:  Christ!  If I had some of my prescription diazepam on me I'd give you some.  Couple of wee blues would sort yer pain right oot!

The next arrival was a drunk / drugged up man who was dropped off in a wheelchair by an older paramedic.  He was deposited next to an Asda worker with a sore hand.
Wheelchair Drunk to Paramedic:  Nice ti meet yih, thanks for everything, stay safe.
Paramedic:  Aye, you too.  Up ih Dons!
Asda Worker:  They've got nowhere else to go but up.

Nae-Teeth Junkie is apparently an Eminem fan.  I know this because, for the last hour, he's been playing several of Slim Shady's greatest hits from his phone speakers.  He's also rapping along with most of the songs, despite knowing only 40% of the words.
Medical Receptionist:  Excuse me, could you turn that music off.  You're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room.
Nae-Teeth Junkie:  It's nae an explit (sic) version!  By the way, you're looking at the back of a bad night darling, it's full moon outside.  Ken fit that dis to folk!!!

In a conversation between Nae-Teeth Junkie and Wheelchair Drunk, Nae-Teeth Junkie claimed that he was stabbed in the face through a letterbox.  He called the police, but when they turned up they arrested him instead of the boy who stabbed him.  Both Nae-Teeth Junkie and Wheelchair Drunk agree this is an outrage.  Bad Back Lady is sitting in the corner, listening in and looking horrified.

11.25pm:  A young lad comes in handcuffed to a police officer.  His hands are heavily bandaged and both him and the officer are covered in blood.  Both officers are wearing gloves, and the lad is talking about Interferon.  Presumably he has Hep C.  Officer does not look amused.

11.30pm:  Nae-Teeth Junkie has been seen by a doctor and prescribed steroid cream and anti-bacterial cream.  He promptly says to his mate, Some-Teeth Junkie, that the prescription is "Exactly fit I winted!  Dancer!"

11.35pm:  A boy in a kilt has wandered in, obviously drunk.  His girlfriend is in emergency care because she's so drunk that she physically attacked him at the wedding they attended tonight.  His parents, who arrived 2 mins after him, quietly inform him that he needs to have her sectioned.

11.40pm:  Three bottle blonde chavs have walked in.  One is dressed in a pink onesie, a puffa jacket and a pair of beaten up Reebook trainers.

11.50pm:  Nae-Teeth Junkie's mate, Some-Teeth Junkie, just accused him of nicking his baccy.  After a short but heated disagreement Some-Teeth Junkie found the baccy in his pocket, and kindly apologised to Nae-Teeth Junkie.  Nae-Teeth Junkie replied with the immortal words "Told yih!  Who's the Daddy?"

Not long after the Teeth Junkie's disagreement, we got in to see my mum.  Eventually we got home at 3.15am, and I promptly got round to eating a family pack of Babybel cheese as I hadn't eaten anything since lunch the day before.  Mum's fine, I'm exhausted, and hopefully all my new A&E friends got themselves sorted out.  Fun way to spend a Saturday night, eh?